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Monday, 27 March 2017

Maybe some days are answers


The last time I wrote something similar to this was a random Thursday evening before my 25th birthday. It was probably one of the more honest things I've ever written and I remember feeling the words just flowing through when I wrote it. I started blogging when I was 13 because I wanted to own a piece of the internet where I can keep my thoughts and the things going on in my life. I never set out to be this 'blogger' and lately I just keep wanting to go back to that place. When this blog wasn't for anything other than recording my thoughts and moments from my life. So here goes nothing.


You're going to find yourself on a bookstore on a Friday afternoon after having left work at 3 pm. You were going to watch a movie, but didn't think you had the attention span to sit through something for that long so you opted for the next best thing. You start thinking about how weird it is that you are now 25 years old. How the hell did that happen and how do you make time stop?

The day would have been a bit shitty. You're tired and you feel a bit off your game. You've listened to Lorde's liability all day which to be honest did nothing to bring you out of your misery. Funny how sad songs can do that, huh? Sometimes it feels like certain songs were made with you in mind. Sometimes that thought is comforting. That you're not the only one who feel those things, not the first person in the world to feel like you're too much for everyone all the time. Not the first person to feel alone in this big world. But not that Friday. That Friday you will play it on repeat and just allow yourself to feel. 

There's this boy that you like. Like an actual real person that knows you exist. This will feel liberating but also very confusing. But what you do know is that he is kind and wonderful and conversation just flowed and it felt so goddamn easy to talk to him. You're so comfortable you feel like you've known him for a long time. You're not sure if he likes you back given that you've barely spent time with him, but you do know that you really want to get to know him and you don't know where or how to start because again you're not sure if the feeling is mutual or if it's all just in your head.

You'll find yourself late night shopping with one of your bestfriends, helping her find an outfit for a concert. You'll have your first hot cross bun that night and it will be delicious.

Immediately after getting home a little after ten, you'll get a call from a friend in need. Her voice will break your heart. Then shortly after you'll find yourself parked at the lake, taking in the darkness and the glimmering light with other people in the cars parked around you. You'll take time to listen to and you'll know what it means to really be there for someone who needs you. You'll go for a drive and end up at a McDonalds and goddamn the food is going to taste the best it's ever tasted and you won't know why. You'll drive to a random suburb and park as you eat your quarter pounder and fries, not caring that you're getting sauce all over your clothes. The conversation is good. Upbeat. Plans for the future are being made and for a moment things start to feel okay again.
You realise that you're gonna be okay. And the good news is so will your friend. You'll marvel at how even though it felt like you were the one helping out a friend tonight, you were the one saved in the end. You're not quite the same person when you finally head home a little after midnight. In between the chats and the random selection of songs that you sing loudly and proudly as you drove around aimlessly through the night, you seem to have found a piece of yourself again.

And you'll think back to earlier in the day at the bookstore when you read a short story that's really stuck with you. The song will still be in your head but it will no longer make you sad And that boy you like? Yeah, you still like him and you still don't know if he likes you back and you're not sure how to find that out and it's all nerve-racking and exhilarating at the same time. You realise that all these little things are what makes you feel alive and all of a sudden there's nowhere else you'd want to be, no one else who you'd want to be, at that exact moment but yourself. There are days where you wonder why you're still here. And maybe some days are the answer to that.

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