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The Edit

Sunday, 2 April 2017

But I will remember your light




The concept of time is so strange. Life lately feels slow. Dreams and plans seem to be so out of reach these days, and it feels like the closer I am the more elusive it gets. Days feel the same, and I feel like I'm constantly stuck to repeat the same patterns daily. But the weird part is that even though every day feels the same, I look back on the same time that previous week and can't help but think how everything has changed.

What a difference a week can make. One Friday you can find yourself living a day which feels like an answer, where you feel like you're too much, too full, too big, too something for this life and the next week you'll find yourself on set a popular TV series after your whirlwind casting before turning up at your bestfriend's apartment in the city after taking an Uber across the city during rush hour, hungry and exhausted. He'll feed you cake and a glass of coke and you'll lie in his couch watching TV as his partner sleeps in the other room. It will be the first time you feel relaxed all day, heck, maybe even all week. You continue just chilling and talking and lying down in someone else's comfy couch before walking down the road to meet your friend Alix for dinner. You forget to book a table, and it's Friday night and the whole of Auckland feels like it's at the Viaduct too but you'll end up with a really good table with a nice view of the harbour that's hidden away in a corner. It will be a nice catch-up. There's so much to say. The food is good. You go for mocktails because you've had a headache all day and don't want to be cruel to your body. 

You'll cross a little bridge to the parking lot that's got a good view of the Sky Tower. It's evenings that make you most nostalgic of your big city upbringing back in the Philippines. All the cars and the lights and the people makes you even more aware of your existence and your place in the world. You ask Alix to take photos of you and because she's a fellow blogger/instagram lover, you know she'd understand. She takes out her new camera and you remember how much you love this - hanging out with friends, taking photos, blogging about said adventures. She takes a couple more and then you're on the road again, driving home, talking, listening to music. 

It's been quite a day. You still feel like catching your breathe from one of the craziest days of your life. From being on the road at 5 am to the mishaps of the day that eventually led you to where you are, you will start feeling like it's all a dream.

But then you'll look up at the stars when the road is dark. It's one of your most favourite things to do especially on midnight drives. You'll start to realise how much things have changed from a week ago even though it doesn't feel like it. There were no big, milestone moments yet there it was in the quiet ordinary. How strange and wonderful was it to have spent an entire day on set doing what you love the most in this world and how a week ago you wouldn't ever have thought that you'd get the chance to. How the difference between a week could be in putting yourself out there and knowing exactly where you stand with someone, and how even though the answer is glaring at you right in the face, you still can't help but feel how you feel about them. Who knows, maybe in a week's time it would be different. 

There's a song that you love from one of your favourite albums of all time. You play it in the car for your friend for the first time and it feels like sharing a part of you to someone. You decidedly shut up and enjoy the music. And for a while the drive is silent, with nothing but this song playing. The road stretches out and leads to home, the stars are there and you feel so small beneath them, and you have this moment where you just sit and listen and enjoy the silent company of one of your good friends and listen to music. There's a light that you keep chasing and maybe it's a lot closer than you think. 

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